Be Fearless

It was totally random and it caught me completely by surprise. The thought just came out of nowhere. I think it was surprising because I was driving through an old part of my life, a place I spent a lot of time driving and visiting friends in high school. It was all good memories. I was driving through because someone called saying they thought they found my cat, who has now been missing since before Christmas. It wasn’t my cat. But, as I was driving through Wekiva it all hit me. The sounds and the smells and the feelings from that hospital room not even 2 years ago came crashing in around me. I suddenly became overwhelmed with this burning pain of missing Becca. I guess that’s the thing about losing your best friend, your only friend and twin, the grief and the sadness of that person no longer being physically with you can come back to your foremost thoughts with the blink of an eye. You can’t block it out and you can’t stop the tears or the unmistakable sting in your heart. You shouldn’t. I mean those feelings are healthy. But that doesn’t make it any easier or make me want to keep it in. Who wants to be that person that can be having a wonderful time out with friends and suddenly just have to leave because those feelings come rushing in and you don’t want everyone to know or to give you that look, that same look from a year and 7 months ago when people first found out your sister was in the hospital dying. It doesn’t change. That fear of being in that hospital room sticks with you. You’ll never forget it. I think what I wanted to say, my reason in writing a post about this sudden burst of the past coming to the present, is that I want to be fearless and not shy away when those memories come flooding back in. The memories of her lying in the bed. The memories of the sounds and smells. I don’t want those memories to scare me, I want them to make me strong and faithful and happy because I can still do. Be fearless. 

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A Day to Me

So I came home this past week for Thanksgiving and for all but a day and a half I was here alone pet sitting while my family was out of town for work. Needless to say, I had a lot of free time between getting projects for school done and playing with all the animals (3 cats and a dog). I decided on Saturday that I was going to explore town and find somewhere to go take pictures. There were a lot of possibilities, I mean it was a nice day and there’s a lot of places nearby to go, but I ended up at a park I went to when I was in high school. It definitely brought back a lot of memories. It was a day to myself and it was peaceful. There was no one else around the entire time I was there. Although it was a unique holiday without a bunch of family around, I still enjoyed myself because I was able to just do me and that’s rare – to only have yourself to worry about for a few days, to only do what you want and not think you aren’t taking into account other people’s idea of a good day spent. I hope everyone was able to have some time for themselves. This is an important thing to have every so often; to regroup and gain control of your own being. If you haven’t had that time lately, take a few steps back and do it. You’ll only regret not doing it.

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We Are Human. Decide.

I brought this up in my last post, that we are human. That we get to decide how we are going to live. I thought that I would expand a little more on this thought. I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit lately. A lot of what we do in life is make decisions – one decision may seem insignificant but it could really be the difference between true happiness and what could be a total disaster. So decide how you are going to live. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Your best, most real self? Can you be stronger? Can you be kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in and just decide.  Make it great for those who can’t be around to make theirs great. They’d want to see you making the most of life; you owe it to them to do that much. Instead of waiting around and waiting for life to happen to you, make it happen. Instead of wishing and dreaming for what you want, go get it. Life won’t happen to you. You happen to life and it’s up to you how your life will be.

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Let Life In

Pride gets in the way of a lot of good in this life. Have you ever passed on an opportunity, missed out on an important moment, lost something you cared about, because your pride got in the way? Is it still getting in the way? The rest of your life is a long time. Whether you realize this or not, let me tell you, your life is being shaped right now. You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate, or bad luck, or bad choices – that’s just your pride talking - or  you can choose to fight back. Spending today complaining about yesterday won’t make tomorrow any better. Wouldn’t it be better to let it go? We are human and we get to decide how we are going to live. We get to decide who is going to be in our life and how our life is going to turn out. Let your pride go. Let life in.

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If you stand for nothing

if you stand for nothing


This is so powerful. Having no stance, no values, no reason for being makes a person vulnerable and weak. I think that in this day in age when information is so readily available, not having a purpose or not being able to express where you stand on different issues, is simply unacceptable. If you don’t know, learn. If you don’t understand, ask. If you stand for nothing, you fall for anything. Be strong. Be proud.

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The Little Man

“You don’t have to disrespect or insult others simply to hold your own ground. If you do, that shows how shaky your own position is.” I read this quote today by Red Haircrow and it really sat with me.

There are some people who will tear others down to prove a point or to feel superior – that they are the alpha – the big dog – the one who has all the power. In my eyes, it’s a sign of weakness. I think that when someone feels the need to belittle someone else or someone’s position on an issue – whatever it may be – there is more going on than the words being spoken. Circumstances don’t give you a “freebee” or make it acceptable to treat others in a demeaning manner. When there is bad in your life, don’t project that on to those around you, instead, make it an opportunity to treat the world better than it is treating you. A true sign of strength and grace is doing just that.

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Flying Again

There is a park here that I enjoy going to. It’s a victims crime memorial where the victims advocate for my family put a stone down for my twin. This park is beautiful – to one side there is a dog park and to the other a big playground and to the other a huge open field. The memorial walkway has lots of trees and plants and it is so mysteriously cool, even on the hottest day. I love going to visit when I have free time, which I did today. Going to the park is my “me time” with Becca. It’s peaceful and calming. While I was there today on the swings a little girl came up and sat on the swing next to me. She said to me before she started to pump “The best part is when you get so high you come out of your seat”, to which I agreed. We started to swing as high as we could until we were both bouncing in our seats and falling back down. The thing I have always loved about swings is this kind of rush you get right before you start to come back down – the weight is lifted and the wind is in your hair. It’s freeing. As a kid, it’s you flying, even if for just the briefest of moments. When you get older, it’s you releasing the burdens of life and feeling that childhood, that kid in you – feeling like you can fly. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that rush.swing

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You Are Responsible

There are times when you realize only after the fact that you were in the wrong. This happened the other day at work to me. I hope the man realizes that he was extremely rude and I hope he understands that is not the way to react in any situation. He was a father of one of our residents (I work at an apartment complex) and he called to ask about extending her lease a few days. I let him know that it was not something we could accommodate. If I offered it to her, I would have to offer it to the other 800 residents we have moving out and that is just not something we can do. We have any where between 1 week and 2 weeks to prepare over 900 units for new residents and holding someone over past the move out date they agreed to when originally signing the lease over a year ago is not possible. He then proceeded to yell at me saying I was a “goddamn jerk” and that he “wishes horrible things to happen to my family” and that “I have no heart”. To these continuous blows, and other unkind things I won’t repeat here, I simply said “Sir, I am really sorry. I understand what you are saying, but there is really nothing I can do. I am sorry”. Eventually he stopped yelling and asked for my name and the number to our regional office. I gave him both and apologized again saying that they would tell him exactly what I have said. I haven’t heard anything else about the situation since that night.

I think it is really important for people to always remember that, despite how you are feeling or what is going on in your life, you are responsible for how you act. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that. You want to take out your frustration, anger, resentment, jealousy, grief – whatever it may be – on those around you. Take a moment and step back from the situation. Are you about to react in the right way? Is how you are acting the way you want to act, to be perceived, to treat others? Remember, always, you are responsible.

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I am Happy.

I went for a swim this morning, it’s the best way to wake up – you surround yourself with quiet and the water is so refreshing – and after about an hour of me-time… a few hundred laps and a rush of adrenaline… I thought ‘I am happy.’ It’s been a while since this thought has popped into my head. I wasn’t sure what it was at first. Maybe the peace. Maybe it’s the summer coming to an end and the stress of my class is lifting. Maybe it’s the calm before the storm. That’s when I stopped myself. I don’t care what it is. I’m happy. Who cares why? Don’t rely on anyone or anything for your own happiness or your own self-worth. Only you can be responsible for it. You have to invest in yourself, because if you don’t, no one else will.

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