God must have a plan, right? That’s what you tell yourself when things go wrong. My mom passed away when I was 7 while in a coma and my twin sister passed away when I was 20, also in a coma after a horrific accident – these stories I have told, and they aren’t the point of this particular post, so I won’t go into them here.
My point, those deaths happened for a reason, right? God has a plan for that, right?
My cousin is currently in critical condition in the ICU after being in an accident this afternoon, not even 2 years after my sister’s death. That happened for a reason, right?
The one horrible thing about tragedy – despite the tragedy itself – is that no matter how many times you tell yourself that everything happens for a reason and that some good will come from it, you’ll never really know why it happened and you’ll never truly understand what it means and what God’s plan is. Tragedy is tragedy and it leaves you with more questions than answers. Questions not only surrounding the reasons, but questions about why these horrible things happen to you, when other people in your life have never faced troubles remotely like those you have already faced several times over.
So then comes the argument so many will tell you: you have the strength to handle the pain you’ve been faced with. You’re told the pain will help you grow even stronger and will provide you with grace and a new outlook on life. Honestly, that’s just a load of crap. Feeling strong when facing tragedy is a wall to protect those around you, so those sympathetic looks and “I feel so sorry for you” glances stop.
Losing my mom and sister are the two most painful and horrible things I have ever gone through, and I still feel that weakness every day. Simply driving down the road and the slightest thought about either one of them can cause me to burst into tears and feel alone and lost. I don’t feel stronger because I lost them. I feel more vulnerable now than I ever did before.
What’s the point in that? What is God’s plan in the tragedy, the many tragedies, my family has faced in the last few years? Why my family and not others?
I have faith and I pray. I believe in a fair and loving God. I believe in love. I have faith that God is good and forgiving. I have faith, and that’s what helps me get through the day. I have faith, and that is how I learned to accept the things that are, even if I don’t always understand it.