It was totally random and it caught me completely by surprise. The thought just came out of nowhere. I think it was surprising because I was driving through an old part of my life, a place I spent a lot of time driving and visiting friends in high school. It was all good memories. I was driving through because someone called saying they thought they found my cat, who has now been missing since before Christmas. It wasn’t my cat. But, as I was driving through Wekiva it all hit me. The sounds and the smells and the feelings from that hospital room not even 2 years ago came crashing in around me. I suddenly became overwhelmed with this burning pain of missing Becca. I guess that’s the thing about losing your best friend, your only friend and twin, the grief and the sadness of that person no longer being physically with you can come back to your foremost thoughts with the blink of an eye. You can’t block it out and you can’t stop the tears or the unmistakable sting in your heart. You shouldn’t. I mean those feelings are healthy. But that doesn’t make it any easier or make me want to keep it in. Who wants to be that person that can be having a wonderful time out with friends and suddenly just have to leave because those feelings come rushing in and you don’t want everyone to know or to give you that look, that same look from a year and 7 months ago when people first found out your sister was in the hospital dying. It doesn’t change. That fear of being in that hospital room sticks with you. You’ll never forget it. I think what I wanted to say, my reason in writing a post about this sudden burst of the past coming to the present, is that I want to be fearless and not shy away when those memories come flooding back in. The memories of her lying in the bed. The memories of the sounds and smells. I don’t want those memories to scare me, I want them to make me strong and faithful and happy because I can still do. Be fearless.